This adorable little animal on the left of your screen is my dog Dodger. Dodger is 9 months old and all puppy. While he is very naughty, he has a lot going for him. He is smart, always happy, determined and stubborn, loving, and very loyal.
The thing about Dodger, is that he and I have a lot in common, especially being loving and loyal. Once I begin spending a lot of time with someone, I start to care for them deeply and really take the time to understand them. I also want to spend more time with them. I am basically a puppy in all my friend groups.
These puppy like qualities are great for the people that I am spending my time with. I will do anything for them; all they have to do is ask. Half the time, they don't have to do that... I just offer. But frankly, these qualities are not always good for me. It is because of my loyalty that I am easily taken advantage of and hurt.
Now, I am not saying that the people I hang out with wouldn't do anything for me. And I am not saying that they don't love me too. I know I have great friends. I have friends who will take the time to talk me down when I am wound up or anxious. I really do love them for that. But I still have a difficult time shaking the feeling that people only just tolerate me. I also feel that they will just pick up and leave whenever they feel like it. This is not a feeling that I would wish on anyone.
It's because of these feelings that I find myself pushing people away a lot. I will become short, and sometimes just plain mean. I am try to get people to leave because I feel that it will hurt less if I know what I did and why it's my fault.
To those who spend time with me, please just have patience with me. I can be really happy and feel totally accepted by you one day, but the next, I will feel like you want nothing to do with me. Every once in a while, remind me that you are there. If you notice that I am off, please acknowledge it. Invite me places, even if I don't always want to go, it makes me feel like you do actually want to spend time with me.
I apologize to my friends. If you feel that I can be too needy, I am sorry. I try to maintain my independence, and not depend on others. In fact, I try to make it so others depend on me. I really try not to bother others when I get upset, but there are times when I just can't handle it on my own. It does get lonely at times, and I need to know that when I need you, you are there.
I know that I have great friends, I love them to bits. But when I have feelings of anxiety, it is hard to put things into perspective, and I forget. I am thankful for those who have worked to help me out. I hope that you can continue to depend on me, just as I have been able to depend on you.